Two Ways for One Way Streets

The following is a sketch I was assigned to write some time ago…

TWO WAYS FOR ONE WAY STREETS

CAST
Bo – Crossing Guard, 50’s
Eleanor – Protestor, mid-20’s

(The crosswalk of Honeycutt & Vine)

ELEANOR
(picketing, sign in hand, and barking)
THERE’S ONLY ONE WAY TO LIVE! LIFE WITHOUT TWO WAY STREETS!

BO
(white gloved hand out towards Eleanor)
Wait for the light please.
(light changes)

ELEANOR
(crossing and barking)
WHAT DIRECTION ARE WE HEADED? ONE WAY! ONE WAY FOR ONE WAY STREETS!

BO
(following)
Starts to get cold this time of year… The warmth of that suburban sun won’t protect you for much longer.

ELEANOR
NO TURNING BACK!

BO
You’re the only one left in your group of protestors! You’re the only Unilateral of the Unilaterals left. You’re the Uni!

ELEANOR
(stops)
I don’t get it.

BO
I’m trying to give you advice.

ELEANOR
And that is…

BO
Move on!

ELEANOR
(Pauses, then crosses back)
A SAFE LIFE IS A LIFE WITHOUT TWO WAY STREETS!

BO
Wait for the light!

ELEANOR
(turns back to Bo)
I’ll never give up…

BO
Listen, I get it! You want control! (follows) You want to be able to get somewhere and not worry about what you might have passed by on your way back in the other direction. You think you’ve reached your destination, only to have to turn around at the end of the day, sometimes every day, and come back to where you started? (back at the opposite corner) There are twists and turns and reversals and unexpected jumps over median strips and you can’t stay focused because everything is coming at you in the opposite direction, but you have to accept the road for what it is! (Eleanor sits in the road) WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!?

ELEANOR
Consider me a bump in the road.

BO
Eleanor! I don’t need a bump on my crosswalk and I certainly don’t need super-sized roadkill.

ELEANOR
I’m staying right here! That way we don’t have to worry about which direction I’m headed ANYMORE.

BO
You can’t control that! Just like I can’t control you.

ELEANOR
You can’t control me.

BO
That’s right. I can’t… I got fired two weeks ago.

ELEANOR
You got —

BO
Canned! I don’t work this corner anymore! They have a speed camera installed in both directions, radar guns on parking signs, surveillance cameras on light posts, sensors on the manhole covers, crosswalk indicators that talk to you directly.

CROSSWALK V/O
Please refrain from sitting in the crosswalk. The crosswalk is for walkers only.

BO
See! There’s no use for me here anymore. But I can’t let go. I – can’t – let – go. I don’t want to go back in the other direction. That’s why I approve of your protest. That’s why I still come here every day, until they catch me on camera and chase me away (police siren in the distance). That’s them now.

ELEANOR
I’m out of here (runs off).

BO
Gets them every time (gives thumbs up to the surveillance camera).

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